Not meant to be

The months of November and December are always tough, but last year my past caught up with me. I was having an exceptionally hard time dealing with something I experienced twenty years ago. I have always ignored and downplayed it, as I was devastated by the unexpected reaction of my family.

Last year, I decided to finally come to terms with the past. In these sorrowful times, words kept coming, and I started to write them down. Despite the emotionally draining time, I felt a burden being lifted from my shoulders. I came to realize that some things are out of my control. It was not my fault or a matter of not being worth it; nor a punishment, a curse, my incapacity or insufficiency. I´ll never fully get over it, but I think I finally made peace with it.

Another year draws to an end
The blackness of its dying moment
Drowns my heart
As I think of you
More often than I usually do

In the depths of the night
Beyond all earthly light
I picture you
Your secret shape, star bright
Forever hidden from my sight

Fear weighed heavy on my heart
A world of endless chances fell apart
All innocence was lost
Forsaken, torn and on my own
I was weary to the bone, alone

You know I struggled for approval
When the mind insisted on refusal
Yet, I felt a secret joy, but not for long
As You chose for me
What was meant to be

Will the pain ever cease?
Will the heart ever be at ease?
As Heather greets the Lenten Rose
Long Snows Moon unveils all woes

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