In these days 21 years ago, things happened that I still only perceive through a haze. I was at the heart of life, unconcerned, experienced many things for the first time and entered new territory. It was an intensive and exciting time. I met wonderful people that I still care about a lot. Yes, not everything was innocent and sweet. I did things back then that I would not do again. But then everything took an unexpected turn. As if I was being punished for daring to live. I went through the hardest time in my life that ended in absolute emptiness. Last year, I dealt with this topic for the first time and wrote „ Not Meant to Be“. Every year at this time I ask myself how my life would have gone had not first the people and finally my physical self let me down. Maybe it was meant to be. Who knows. The end of March in 1999 was the end of a dream of which I wasn’t even aware of that I dreamed it. The people involved don´t have a clue to this day that they were part of it. I just never brought myself to tell them.
I woke to the call of the blackbird
From the ash tree he foretold
Of the awakening
Reminding me: it´s time again
His song is haunting but sweet
Like the memory born once more
Out of the dark days
Into the light of Spring
I ask the daffodils for forgiveness
As they unfold the bitter taste of truth
Forcing me to watch Earth spring to life again
While I am on my knees
Gathering the ash with my hands
That´s left from the moldered seed
Or was it even planted?
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